the dawn of the next decade

Well I've really fallen down on the job posting any blogs lately! The evil facebook has been eating me up. Also, my desire to communicate waxes and wanes, as the duties and temptations of real life press in upon all sides.

In times of transition I rarely write, as I want to let things fall into place without over analyzing them. I tend to over analyze things a bit anyway up in that brain of mine...

Recently I have been in a time of transition for me in many areas of life. My journey has many plateaus and mountains, valleys and even waterfalls sometimes. There are mirages too.... things are not always what they seem.

I feel like I am on a perilous journey through rough lands, and that over and over again some calamity befalls me that by all rights of nature ought to kill me, but I always pick myself up and dust myself off, battered but not maimed.

I continue forward, trying to learn and grow. I sigh as I notice that I do continue to make certain mistakes over and over. I must reach deep inside to conquer my self sabotage.

I want to be strong like an oak tree, solid, unmoved... but right now I am only a eucalyptus, beautiful and sweet smelling, but too easily broken and shattered in the wind and rain.

This New Year's Eve I think with love of the many people in my life. I think of what they mean to me, and what I mean to them. I haven't kept up with everyone that I love. I haven't treated everyone I love rightly. But I have loved them. I have a lot of love in my heart. In fact, my heart is so full of love that I think that is why it always feels like it is going to break, spilling bloody love all over the whole universe. People have told me that I am over sensitive ever since i can remember being alive, and sometimes I wonder if my sensitivity is just love, misplaced? Or misunderstood? Should I embrace it instead of striving against it? Why is it that I feel so much more than other people feel? Sensitivity is a gift in many ways, but a gift that is very painful for the owner to bear.

People say that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I somewhat disagree... although I understand that what that saying means is that they are both the opposite of apathy, that both love and hate are, essentially, caring about something. I heard a line in a movie preview the other night, "I have very strong feelings for you, I just haven't decided if they are positive or negative yet." That makes me laugh...

I do venture, however, that joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin. I feel a lot of sorrow today, but also a lot of joy. It reminds me of a line from a song my great grandma wrote, about turning your frown upside down. I'm going to flip the coin over today...

Well I'm off to have a lovely last day of 2009. I hope you do the same. Here's to you, my friends. Here's to you, my dearest family. Here's to 2010, the year of good decisions.