Motivation: Just surviving or reaching for the stars?

One of the reasons I am so interested in being physically fit, nutritionally sound and studying martial arts is because I am interested in survival skills. Les Stroud, host of the tv show Survivorman, says in his book Survive! that one of the most over looked preparations for wilderness adventure is conditioning.
I personally am a conditioning coach; and yet I tell my students that I am out of shape. They look at me like I'm crazy and say, "yeah right!", but I say that because I have found that for me to stay motivated, I have to always be striving for a higher goal. Reach for the stars, and you won't come up with a handful of mud. One of the very real motivations that keeps me striving is the desire to be ready when disaster strikes. Yes, I said when, not if. Every day in the news we read of calamities. Wars, earthquakes, famine, disease. It's bound to happen at some point, and when it does, survival of the fittest will not just a euphemism for evolution. There's no time to "get back in shape" or "get back in the gym" once you are in survival mode. If thinking about that doesn't make you wanna work out, then I don't know what will!

Absynthe. One year gone.

Abynthe 2005-2009

My dear friend Absynthe has been gone for a year now. Here are some pictures of her. I will never forget you baby girl!










Loving up on Laurel when Laurel got back from overseas...

Making funny faces...











Gettin snacks....






PLaying hide-n-go-seek



Gettin kisses....






Bringing me mice....



and rats.....

And here is my boy Bug. Miss you too buddy. Bug went missing in 2007 when I lived in a large forest.

Bug 2005-??

In the beginning... there was Victim, Bug, and Absynthe.






Helping with Laundry...


She learned how to relax early on...





Meeting Grandma







I am grateful for the time we had, and grateful for the important lessons that these dear creatures taught me. They have all left me, alone, but maybe that's because I'm strong enough to get along without them now.

This is how it all started... when I was 4 years old, we found this one among the blackberries and it was meant to be.

Katrina 1986-2003

Camo-kitty

Giving my leg a hug

The last picture taken, she died the next morning. She was "helping" me read...

<3

defying gravity

A new post- only six months later!
Hmmmm....

Perhaps this blog is on it's last legs. Would anybody miss it?

Well here I am in San Diego still. San Diego has brought me adventures, and skills, and friends. Lessons learned the hard way, and the easy way. Chasing a dream, and dreams chase me here too.

I am happy I am here. I do wish my family and friends from home were closer to visit but I like what San Diego is doing for me, or to me. I'm learning to make decisions. I'm learning to think about consequences.

I don't know what it all means, or where we're all going, but I'm enjoying the journey. I think I'll try defying gravity...

One year... and a brief explanation of my life.

Dear Friends and Family!

Can you believe it will have been a year since I made my way to San Diego? The time has flown for me. Time flies faster now as I take on managing the only fight gear store in San Diego. I guess when I dive into something I really dive in... but that's good! Diving half-heartedly doesn't do much... so like I was saying I'm working about 40 hours a week at the fight store, OTM (On The Mat). I also work another 5 or six hours every Friday night cutting and garnishing pizza. Ironic that I refuse to take my foot out of the door of a pizza place, after having hated pizza and restaurant work for most of my life... but this place is different. I'm playing with food in the kitchen, not faking niceties at snooty dining tables. The tips are generous, the pizza is actually good (homemade sustainably raised sausage, local organic asparagus... you get the idea)... and most of all the people there treat me like family. They are no substitute for real family, of course... but it's nice to know you have people who would get your back no matter what living within blocks of you.

This time in my life here probably doesn't make sense to a lot of you. Some of you may think of it as "a phase" and in many ways you would be right. I won't be focusing on fighting forever in the same way that I am now. There are so many other "phases" that I plan to have as I educate myself in the things I feel that I need to know to be successful in the future world as I perceive it. I plan to go through a farming phase, a hunting phase, a wilderness survival phase, and many other 'phases' of learning. But that doesn't mean that martial arts and fighting hasn't truly sparked a love in me. It definitely has and I feel finally that I am on the right path. What an amazing feeling! I took a leap of faith when I abandoned my college degree and dreams in opera to pursue a ridiculous switch to martial arts with no former experience in my mid twenties. Fighting of any kind is hard to explain to people who don't fight; but my life is not so out of sync as it may appear sometimes... I loved ballet when I was young; ballet is the exquisite combination of beautiful music and the athleticism required to express that music. When I left ballet I went to opera... that was choosing one of those aspects that I had loved in ballet. The music, the stage, the applause, the focus, plus, screaming opera at people is quite glorious and relieves a lot of stress... It's much like getting to scream and cry at the top of your lungs and have everyone applaud for you and love you afterwards instead of look at you like you're crazy. But the drama of opera was why I loved it and also why I hated it. I love to sing... but opera is not the kind of music I like to listen to... I love classical music without any heart throbbing co dependant suicidal lyrics in other languages. And here I was providing the very thing about music that I dislike? Love of music and language is in me, yes. But I was clearly on the wrong path, there. When I left opera I went to martial arts... that is like the other side of ballet. But unlike ballet, fighting appeals to the utilitarian minimalist that I have become: in martial arts, you accomplish with your bare hands and body, no possessions needed, great acts that rival the athleticism and beauty of ballet but serve a distinct functional defensive purpose at the same time. But I digress...
I know that cage fighting can never last forever. I do love it, but i recognize that it has a distinctly young life, much like the early retirement of young injured worn out ballet dancers, and it has the power to use you up and spit you out if you're not careful. But Jiu Jitsu, my love, is forever.

Anyway as I was saying.... what was I saying. I was saying that it's been a year since I moved to San Diego and far too few blogs and visits and I'm sure you're all wondering what I could possibly be up to. I am building a future. I have accomplished more and faster than I ever thought possible. I am learning to believe in myself and create reality with my intention.

I miss my loved ones every day. I think of you far more often than I write. Life is going too fast right now to blog about it much. I'm so busy living it. But it won't always be so busy... it's just a 'phase'... ;)

I'll catch you all up when I can catch my breath. I love you, and you, and you, and you, and you...

2010. The journey continues.

I've been building up the life I planned to build. I guess I am almost surprised that I can begin to taste some degree of success. I have been so busy I can hardly take a breath, boxed in on all sides with requests for my time and energy and emotions and even thoughts.

And now, it is super bowl Sunday. My phone is silent. I have been invited to a few parties but my social energy is a shallow reserve and was already used up for this weekend at the UFC party I went to. Suddenly I find myself home, alone, with a bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables to eat and a few hours to just do anything I want to do. And so, I will write you a letter.

This afternoon in yoga the teacher exhorted us to pick a dedication for our practice. I dedicated it to my Mother, my Father, my Grandma, my Sister. These are the people who I dedicated my practice to, because these are the people who are my A-team. They are far away, and yet they are with me everywhere I go. I am thinking of them and I know they are thinking of me. They are not just my family, they are also my friends.

There were other friends in the yoga room, today too. I could feel their energy. Candace in the corner, I met her at Crossfit and instantly felt like I had known her forever. It didn't take much to get her coming to yoga. Jen behind me, someone who I met while slicing pizza but who has become my accomplice in all things outdoorsy... we've been kayaking, hiking, and camping together and she has promised to teach me fly fishing. Up in the front, Bree, my new friend and massage therapist. She is here on assignment from me, since we trade her massage skills for my personal training skills. I can see her grin in the mirror. Master Dan, next to me, he is here for the first time today. He is a no-gi Jiu Jitsu instructor who has been taking the time to train me on Sundays to help me with my skills. He doesn't really go by Master Dan but his students come into OTM Fight Shop where I work every day now and drop his name as such. "Master Dan said to mention his name to you." *eyebrow wiggle* *pause* "He said you might give us discount...?" The yoga class has not started yet. I look over at Dan to give him a reassuring smile, as yoga can be a little intimidating when you are new to it. He needed no such smile. He was folded with his ankles locked all the way behind his head and his arms sticking out in front of his legs like a human slipknot. "Jzoooo jzeeetsu yoooga!" he whispered in his thick Brazilian accent.

I spent 40-eleven dollars today at the farmer's market, all on local, organic, small farmed produce. I got sun dried preservative free raisins, pink lady and honeycrisp apples, some fruit I can't remember the name of that's supposed to taste like custard, little organic strawberries and kumquats, which go well with the raw macadamia nuts I got last time. I got kale and broccolini, and sugar snap peas to dip in my favorite farmer's market item: fresh made jalapeno cilantro hummus. I got super green juice with flax and bananas to mix with my protein powder, and a sack of avocados (8 for $5). I didn't have enough money to buy any mushrooms, which are locally grown and looked worth the high price. I sampled cucumbers, pita chips and ceviche, baby heirloom tomatoes, and pepper jack cheese from my home-land, Sonoma County. I desperately wanted to buy more, but my bag was full, my time was running out and so was my money. I spent my last dollar on an organic coffee and ran to the car with a sack full of good health, and the satisfaction of a vote well spent with my money on the importance of good food and good farming. Ever since I got home from jiu jitsu and yoga today I've been snacking on raw, whole fruits, vegetables, and nuts. I feel blessed. I love Sundays.

I finally broke down and counted up all my hours from all three of my jobs and from my working out (which I consider a job as it is necessary for my desired career path to continue). It turns out that during the month of January I have been clocked in at work for approximately 47-50 hours per week and working out for approximately 13-15 hours a week. Considering that I still need to sleep for 8 hours a night to be functional, and the fact that there's only 168 hours in the week to begin with... the time flies by. Weeks seem like days to me.

All that time talk reminds me of a quote from a book by C.S. Lewis that my Mom and I are reading together. "...irreversible entropy gives time a real direction..." and yet I don't feel in in a state of entropy, I feel like I am finally opening up my petals. Slooooowwwwwwly, but surely, I am climbing, up and up, I can feel my momentum now as the path gradually becomes less steep and precarious, my footing becomes more sure, and the view becomes more rewarding.

Well my dear friends and family, I could keep writing and writing. I miss you and want to share the funny little details of my life. I hope you can begin to see the picture I am trying to paint. I am growing, I am learning, I am becoming...

the dawn of the next decade

Well I've really fallen down on the job posting any blogs lately! The evil facebook has been eating me up. Also, my desire to communicate waxes and wanes, as the duties and temptations of real life press in upon all sides.

In times of transition I rarely write, as I want to let things fall into place without over analyzing them. I tend to over analyze things a bit anyway up in that brain of mine...

Recently I have been in a time of transition for me in many areas of life. My journey has many plateaus and mountains, valleys and even waterfalls sometimes. There are mirages too.... things are not always what they seem.

I feel like I am on a perilous journey through rough lands, and that over and over again some calamity befalls me that by all rights of nature ought to kill me, but I always pick myself up and dust myself off, battered but not maimed.

I continue forward, trying to learn and grow. I sigh as I notice that I do continue to make certain mistakes over and over. I must reach deep inside to conquer my self sabotage.

I want to be strong like an oak tree, solid, unmoved... but right now I am only a eucalyptus, beautiful and sweet smelling, but too easily broken and shattered in the wind and rain.

This New Year's Eve I think with love of the many people in my life. I think of what they mean to me, and what I mean to them. I haven't kept up with everyone that I love. I haven't treated everyone I love rightly. But I have loved them. I have a lot of love in my heart. In fact, my heart is so full of love that I think that is why it always feels like it is going to break, spilling bloody love all over the whole universe. People have told me that I am over sensitive ever since i can remember being alive, and sometimes I wonder if my sensitivity is just love, misplaced? Or misunderstood? Should I embrace it instead of striving against it? Why is it that I feel so much more than other people feel? Sensitivity is a gift in many ways, but a gift that is very painful for the owner to bear.

People say that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I somewhat disagree... although I understand that what that saying means is that they are both the opposite of apathy, that both love and hate are, essentially, caring about something. I heard a line in a movie preview the other night, "I have very strong feelings for you, I just haven't decided if they are positive or negative yet." That makes me laugh...

I do venture, however, that joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin. I feel a lot of sorrow today, but also a lot of joy. It reminds me of a line from a song my great grandma wrote, about turning your frown upside down. I'm going to flip the coin over today...

Well I'm off to have a lovely last day of 2009. I hope you do the same. Here's to you, my friends. Here's to you, my dearest family. Here's to 2010, the year of good decisions.

BUSY!!

Who knew one person could pack so much in. And yet there are always many more things I want to do... Seems life is passing by and it's a race to do everything I want to do.

I intend to return to the blogo-sphere soon, but for now, hopefully a picture is still worth a thousand words.

Inspiration

I have recently become interested in Amelia Earhart. I read an article about how her remains were possibly found on an island; she may have lived there for some time before dying. When I began reading about her, I discovered some quotes that I think are worth sharing.



"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward."

There is an interesting article about her here: Amelia Earhart
Please be duly warned that the article is written in humorous form and contains a lot of profanity.

Here's the article that sparked my interest: Amelia Earhart's final resting place?

I hear there's a movie out about her but I haven't seen it. I bet it's all Hollywoodified.



Here's another quote I liked:


"Women must try to do things as men have tried.
When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others."

Cowles Mountain

Just a short, few minute drive from my house is a small mountain, or a rather large hill as I like think of it. Cowles Mountain sits just north of sprawling suburban San Diego. If you're in decent shape you can get to the peak in less than an hour, and the reward if it's a clear day is a full circle view. It's especially nice to share with a friend or two. Click on the pictures to enlarge, and then click the back button to go back to the blog.


Looking South West, you can see Mexico.

And looking North:

And looking all around, 360 degrees. It's fun to get up out of the city and see where you are.

Like I said, it's nice to bring friends...